Chapter One: “Oz”

This chapter begins with Lauren and her husband Jim on their drive from their home in Nashville to the Washington, D.C. suburb of Rockville, Maryland, embarking on their first attempt at in vitro fertilization (IVF). It gives a brief history of IVF along with flashbacks of everything that brought the couple to this moment in time: going to “Oz” for their potential baby.

Chapter Two: “Growing a Mother”

As the author ponders becoming a mother herself, she reflects on her wounded relationship with her own mother— who has been a “missing person” since 1980— and tries to make peace with that ghost.

Chapter Three: “The Waiting Womb”

Now in Rockville, Maryland and undergoing the expensive and grueling yet exciting process of IVF, Lauren hopes for the best outcome, then goes home to Nashville for the dreaded “two week wait” to see if the embryo(s)  implanted in her uterus.

Chapter Four: “Thinking Positive”

This chapter begins with the thrilling call that the IVF worked!!! This is about the excitement that goes with being pregnant, how the newly expectant mother stays healthy and the hopes that she has for this pregnancy and this baby.

Chapter Five: “Grounded and Stoned”

In the second trimester of her pregnancy Lauren finds out that her cervix has become dangerously short, necessitating emergency “cerclage” (stitch) surgery and five months of bedrest. Then she develops agonizingly painful gallstones and has to make the decision about whether or not to have yet another surgery, causing great concerns about putting the much coveted baby at risk.

Chapter Six: “December 11”

After enduring months of bed-rest, developing pre-term labor, getting precautionary steroid shots and coming two days short of her 37-week pregnancy goal, her water breaks. What was hoped to be a beautiful reward for a very hard conception and pregnancy becomes a day of horror. Lauren develops an “amniotic fluid embolism,” an extremely rare complication that has an up to 90% mortality rate. It results in a full transfusion for the mother; the baby, born not breathing, has to spend the first 24 hours of his life on a ventilator. The chapter details this rare condition and the high anxiety that accompanied it for the author, her husband and family.

Chapter Seven: “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”

Hoping, from her hospital bed, to have the baby out of NICU and to be home for the holidays.

Chapter Seven: “Spit Happens”

After surviving the freak complications and bringing the baby boy home after ten days in the neonatal intensive care unit (just in time for Christmas), on the couple’s first night at home with Braddock James Havey (“Dock”), there is an ice storm that knocks out the electricity and heat in their home for many hours. Physically battered and emotionally spent, this drives Lauren over the edge into a state of post traumatic stress and post-partum depression, along with anxiety that drives this normally healthy person’s blood pressure sky high. This chapter details the stressful juxtaposition of treading water through the aftermath of a disaster and simultaneously adjusting to new parenthood.

Chapter Eight: “Angels in the Room”

Lauren coincidentally speaks with another amniotic fluid embolism survivor and ponders the spiritual implications of this near death experience she has just gone through.

Chapter Nine: “Breast Intentions”

A look at the trial and errors of wanting and trying to breast feed in spite of the difficulties involved. It also offers a commentary on the current sociological issues surrounding breast feeding.

Chapter Ten: “Mud Mama”

The woman who thought she would be an “earth mother” waters down the “granola mom” aspect of herself becoming more of a “mud mama.” This chapter looks at several controversial decisions new parents have to make today such as circumcision, co-sleeping, etc.

Chapter Eleven: “From Worrier to Warrior”

This chapter is about empowerment and coming out of the fog of traumatization and constant worry that shadowed the baby’s first year. The focus is now being grateful to be alive, being this amazing creature’s mother and embracing every moment.

Chapter Twelve: “Beautiful Boy”

The fog has finally lifted, the happy/healthy baby “Dock” turns one year old! With him safely in bed and full of first birthday cake, his sleep deprived yet thankful parents, relieved at surviving this first year, raise a glass of champagne with a group of friends and family and make a toast — to life!